Remember in grade school (or for some of you, boot camp) when one kid acted up and the whole class had to pay the consequences? It would seem, as many of you already know, that that trend doesn’t end with our teens. Law suits, legal action, court orders, and just plain bitching have taken simple little things and made a huge shit pile out of it. Things like….
1) Silica Gel Packs Labeled Poison
Pop quiz… what would happen if you defied all social logic and decided to pop one of those silica gels you find inside electronic’s boxes in your mouth and chase it with a tall cold one?
Answer… nothing. Sorry if you were expecting a different result.
Answer…. not this.
The grains of what looks like clear caviar in the tiny packets are a desiccant. That is, they absorb moisture. You find them in food products that will have a longer shelf life if they stay dry. That could include pepperoni, dried nuts and fruits, or vitamins. In other words… YOU ALREADY EAT THEM. Sorta.
So why the big deal about NOT eating them? Well the most important thing is because you might choke on the bag. If you’re slapping yourself in the forehead right now, it’s ok. If not… take a minute to let that sink in. So next time you feel like showing off, tear one open and go nuts.
2) “Light” Cigarettes
Remember Marlboro Lights? Well a Federal Court ruling is seeing to it that remembering is the only thing you’ll be doing with these cigarettes. Well, the name anyway.
Turns out there are still people out there who have been living in a cave on Mars, in the dark, behind a rock, with their eyes shut and their fingers in their ears who haven’t heard that just because they’re called “lights” doesn’t make them any less harmful. HOLY SHIT BATMAN! Really?!?
Even Batman knows smoking kills you. And he still wears leather pants.
Now companies like Phillip Morris are being bullied into using alternative names like “Marlboro Gold” and “Marlboro Silver”, names already used by the company in Europe, here in America. This won’t affect the cigarettes (yet), but it’s a good example of the fact that people rely solely on a brand name to tell them everything they need to know about a product THAT ALREADY SAYS IT GIVES YOU CANCER RIGHT ON THE BOX.
3) Painfully Obvious Warning Labels
If you’ve ever said “no one is too stupid to need to be told this”, you’re wrong.
Every single ridiculous warning label you’ve ever read was either put their out of fear of a pending lawsuit, or because someone’s actually done the very thing it warns against and sued because of it.
Don’t be surprised if this is next…
I thought a nice way to finish off this long overdue blog entry would be to share some of these painfully obvious, and very real, warning labels.
1. Under arm deodorant: Caution, do not spray in eyes.
2. Curling iron: For External Use Only.
3. Frisbee: Warning. May contain small parts.
4. Silly Putty: Do not use as earplugs.
5. Hammer: Misuse may lead to property damage and bodily injury.
6. Children’s Cough Medicine: Do not drive or operate machinery.
7. Nytol Sleeping Aid: Warning, may cause drowsiness.
8. String of Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.
9. Package of peanuts: Warning: Contains Nuts.
10. Baby stroller: Remove child before folding.
11. Scooter: This product moves when used.
12. Hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
13. Printer ink cartridge: Do not eat toner.
14. Drain cleaner: Warning: If you do not understand, or cannot read, all directions, cautions and warnings, do not use this product.
15. TV remote control: Not dishwasher safe.
16. Iron: Do not iron clothes on body.
17. Foaming face wash: May contain foam.
18. Windex: Do not spray in eyes.
19. Toilet brush: Do not use for personal hygiene.
……….. and my personal favorite…
20. Digital thermometer: Once used rectally, the thermometer should not be used orally.