5 Female Sex Toys That Will Make Men Obsolete
With women’s sexuality growing more and more acceptable to talk about and Japan’s growing levels of what-the-fuckedness, today’s sex toys not only put the plain old dildo to shame, they pretty much put men everywhere to shame. Hell, soon enough they’re going to figure out how to make dildos that can produce and deliver there own supply of sperm and women everywhere will only need us to fix the sink and occasionally open jars.
Toys like:
5) Remote controled Vibrators
When women first began penetrating themselves with inanimate objects back in the days of long long ago, men were probably like “OK, that’s cool. This surely will giveth thou more time for harvesting the crops and less time pleasuringeth my wifeth.” or something similar. When they started vibrating, people probably raised an eyebrow. Now that they can vibrate at the touch of a button from your husband/boyfriend/brother’s finger it’s time we step in and do something about this. Women are obviously becoming too cavalier about their orgasms.
But hey, vibrations are one thing, it’s not like they can replicate the actual feeling of a real man. Right?
Right?!?!
4) The Silicone Dreamer
Wrong. The silicone dreamer has a motor in the tip which they promise provides “powerful, concentrated vibrations that transmit well through the pure silicone”. They also claim it’s “soft” and “firm”, which sounds like a contradiction to me, but it also requires two N batteries. What the fuck are N batteries?
The silicone dreamer not only promises to feel just as real (if not better) than your man, but it also comes with 10 settings of “vibration, pulsation and escalation for a wide variety of sensations”. They stop short of giving each setting it’s own name, but we can safely assume they vary from Smooth Sailing all the way up to Prison Rape.
3) Petite Plug
Bloody hell! This isn’t a sex toy… it’s a giant chess piece.
Simply labeling this ass-plug as petite doesn’t make it any more lady-like. This is still a bubbling object that’s only purpose on the planet is to be shoved up one’s ass, which makes me assume the number one clientele of the Petite Plug is the Alabama State Prison.
2) Hitachi’s Magic Wand
I’m not even sure how this thing is supposed to be used or which orifice it’s intended to be stuck in, but judging solely on looks it can’t be pleasant. It looks like a fucking shock absorber for Christ’s sake and it’s almost the same size!
This beast is such a rape machine waiting to happen, batteries alone cannot handle it’s jackhammer tendencies. It’s got to be plugged into the wall! To put that into perspective, the only difference between a corded drill and a cordless drill is it’s ability to bore holes through solid concrete.
They advertise that it’s to be used “externally only” but in all reality, it’s only a matter of time before some horny skank waddles into the emergency room with blood pouring down her leg and smoke billowing from her vagina.
1) The iPhone
Some guy on YouTube made a video on how to use his iPhone as a sex toy, but pretty much all his ideas involve simply smashing your phone against someone with a little help of whipping sound effects, and one unfortunate circumstance using a revolver. What the fuck is this guy doing in his bedroom?
But no, we’re not taking that route. Nope. The new iPhone OS 3.0 adds a rumble application programming interface. Basically, it allows developers to fine tune the vibration of the iPhone itself. Says Gizmodo.com: “A perfect sexual toy application would be able to store vibration patterns to suit the needs and mood of the user.” They fail to mention, however, that it will also be shaped like a raging boner.
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April 28th, 2010 at 3:06 am
i really not understand how iphone can be used as a sex toy…the all other are well known among girls..