How To (and not to) Get Laid
Now, most of my male friends have begged me, at length, to write a handbook for men on what women really mean. Unfortunately, I actually do say what I really mean and don’t play the word guessing games. I despise women who do that and can’t even continue friendships with the twats that behave like children. For that, all you men have my hat off to you. I couldn’t consistently play the “she says “no” but means “yes” game.” I would stab myself in the eye. Maybe even end up in jail myself for some sort of sordid crime….
I digress, after a few encounters with some of my girlfriends, I have decided to take it upon myself to write an article that will increase your chances of getting laid. Why, you may ask? Well, I am really tired of hearing about the ridiculous things that men do on first dates, almost ensuring that they will never get a call back, let alone some pussy. (Not to mention I have had some atrocities committed in my own presence. Yes, this Russian Princess has even been asked for gas money for getting picked up by a date.)
Bring flowers or a bottle of wine on the first date:
There was a mixed feeling on this topic. I personally find it totally offensive if a man comes to my house and picks me up empty handed. Some of my other (possibly not as well bred) friends, didn’t find this to be a necessity. However, if you really wanted to get in my panties, wouldn’t you have at LEAST spent the 3 minutes it takes to run into 7-11 and purchase some shitty flowers? How difficult is that? Come on dude, how bad DO you want ass?
Take me to a really fantastic restaurant:
Once again, some of my trashier friends didn’t even need dinner and a movie to get their knickers off. Some of these hussies, (and no, I will not post their numbers) will pretty much bang you for a filet-o-fish sandwich. (No pun intended.. okay, maybe a little bit.) However, some of us classier types will require a little coaxing.
Spend some time getting to know this woman on the phone. Find out her favorite genre and dish of food and then research a great restaurant to showcase your knowledge and attention to detail. Learn the menu, learn the wine list, research the wine and make sure your date is not attending meetings with Bill W and Doctor Bob. Then, take her to this restaurant and stun her with your knowledge and know how!
TADA! The panties have moved down an inch. I promise……
For you lazier types, keep doing what your doing and eventually you will get so used to rejection that you will form a strange attachment to Betty the Blow-up doll. When she starts cooking you dinner, beware….
While at this dinner here are some things you should NOT do:
(Yes, these are a compiled TRUE EVENT list from my girlfriends: Tatiana, Natalia, Tamara and Therese and myself)
– Be really rude – don’t hold doors or pull out my chair. Spit as often as possible.
– Be very touchy-feely without getting any cue from me that I am even interested.
– Get REALLY drunk and belligerent.
– Don’t take a shower or anything that day and wear wrinkled, smelly clothes. Or really awful cologne.
– Look at other girls the whole time…
– Keep your cell phone on, continuously call people, and answer every call that comes in and talk for long periods of time.
- Text people, too.
– Talk about yourself the whole time and don’t ask me any questions.
– Bring a friend. Or two. Or three.
– Flirt with the waitress
– Get another girl’s number in front of me.
– Be as rude as possible to the waiter/waitress (obviously not the one whose number you took).
– Tip poorly.
– Pull out a two-for-one coupon when the bill arrives.
– Or, just make me pay for everything (and keep ordering lots to drink/eat/what have you); funny, you asked me out.
– Bring your puppy with us; then, hit him multiple times…
– Invite me over… but forget to clean out your toilet.
– Invite me over… and leave out all of your antidepressants…
– Invite me over… and leave out all of your GIRLFRIEND’s antidepressants…
– Sit facing a mirror and look at yourself the whole time…
– Ask me for money for parking
These few little guidelines are a way to make sure that your date doesn’t slap you or post horrible things about you on her MySpace page.
You may even get a little closer to getting in between her thighs.
Categories: The Truth About Women
5 Comments »
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October 9th, 2007 at 2:45 pm
hahahaha!!! this is true!!! You’re really good!
November 8th, 2007 at 3:23 am
We have been friends way too long! You need to give up the digits to those filet-o-fish hussies.
May 12th, 2008 at 3:35 pm
My all time favorite was a guy who kept his car trashed and always ran late! So he would have to clean out the entire front seat of God only knows what, while the girl waited! Leat he opened the door for her I guess!!!
June 24th, 2010 at 2:11 pm
You really make it seem so easy with your presentation but I find this topic to be really something which I think I would never understand. It seems too complicated and very broad for me. I am looking forward for your next post, I will try to get the hang of it!
July 8th, 2010 at 8:44 am
Never go to bed on an argument