SomewhatDamaged.net

This video is a pretty good argument for why methed up truckers shouldn’t be allowed to text and drive.

Fittingly, SomewhatDamaged’s first-ever high def video is two girls kissing in their underwear. To watch this in HD, change your resolution settings below the player!

What happens when all those people responsible for coming up with the fact you find under a snapple cap get writer’s block?

ree videos

These three guys all get busted for sexual harassment in the work place.

Even though these guys seemed to use a video camera that was produced in the 1920s it is still a great clip.

Warning… gross.

By: Svetlana Petrovskaya

Okay boys and toddlers, (Wait, aren’t they one in of the same? Now, Now.. I was just kidding.) today your royal highness (Me, duh) is going to tackle the topic of pick-up lines! Oh yes, this will be highly embarrassing and slightly humiliating for your sex. Then again, I also know some women who I would gladly throw to the STD wolves who have used pick-up lines that make my clitoris retreat far into my ovaries. Or wait, maybe it makes my clitoris stretch out in an attempt to become a penis? Well, either way, I have been shamed by my own. But, I will tell you that I have received some choice lines from men. It has even been the consensus that I have been the MOST traumatized by these sickies.

While reviewing with some of my girlfriends, we constantly wondered why men attempt these things. Then it dawned on me! They use these lines because sometimes they have to work! (Please God say less often than 5%) I would assume they work most when a woman is so inebriated she thinks Cletus OneGreenTeefs looks like Daniel Day-Lewis. (Yes, I find him hot as fuck, problem?) However, I have a sneaking suspicion that some of the trailer park residents who are currently suckling 4 tots on their windsock like tits, fall for these time after time. (God Bless the welfare system!) There have been a few mild ones:

“Nice shoes want to fuck?”

Loser Guy: “So you ride horses?” Karleen- “Yep” Loser Guy: “When are you going to ride me?”

In the supermarket: “Are your melons ripe?”

Or even my favorite, please run fast from a guy this psychotic, whom Sherry Has been graced with:

“God sent me here for a reason and that reason is to marry you”

Then we have the creative:

Idiot: “When do the Fireworks start?” Chick: “Umm.. it’s the 5th of July.” Idiot: “Between me and you.”

I mean, he doesn’t even say between you and I, PIG with horrible grammar- NEXT!

“If you were a burger at McDonald’s I would call you McBeautiful.”

I once had a moron totally bullocks this one up with me. Basically, he looked at me and said, “Girl, you remind me of a cheeseburger… Good enough to eat.” My response to him was simple: “Lovely, I get to be a high in fat, cheap meal, I am flattered.” He was sputtering and shamed. I felt a slight twinge of joy run through my body at his humiliation. Hmm.. maybe I should invest in some leather.

But, let me tell you that these all pale in comparison to the most deranged and moronic lines I have ever been forced to endure. My sweet, innocent Czarina ass was cornered and verbally molested by the sexual deviants! Someone please save me, or save the world, from these types of cretins. Men, do me a favor, NEVER use these lines unless you are with a hooker, stripper or a woman who doesn’t have to push when she takes a shit.

“I bet your clit is as pink as your lips and I would sure love to find out.”

“I have a leather mask, a leather suit and I can tie any kind of knot. I would LOVE to dominate and destroy you.”

I mean, come on. Can you imagine this actually working on sweet, innocent, angelic moi? Guy number two was bald, covered in tattoos, about 6’5” and 280 pounds. I can say with a lot of confidence that he most likely has a criminal record and meat hooks hanging from the ceiling of his bedroom/dungeon. I am not ashamed to admit that I peed a little in my La Perla panties when those words were uttered! Why, GOD WHY? Does he truly think I would find the idea of being mutilated and raped intriguing? (Okay, I am not adverse to that kind of role play thing with the man I love, but come on!) Yes, please cut me from sternum to anus!! Mmm, sexy…yeah fucktard, I have family and friends who love me and wouldn’t want to find my body in a ditch!

Boys, let me give you a word of advice. Even if the guy has ears like Opie and a physique like Shrek, (Yes; green, warts and all.) if he approaches me at a bar in an honest and sincere way, I will speak to him. Shit, I have even gone on dates with complete Dexter’s because he has approached me and said, “Hi, my name is (fill in name), what’s yours?” I mean, are you kidding me with this shit? Unless you are Dwight Schrute, (I know, I have a strange fascination with him, I would let him… see above.) do not attempt to be clever, suave and witty with your pick-up lines! You actually end up looking like the remnants of the “water” inside a used douche bag. I mean you aren’t even good enough to clean a dirty fish boat vagina!!

You know how you know you are striking out? The chick isn’t looking at you, she has to use the restroom or find her friends, and she laughs in your face and calls you a loser–Pretty good indicators that you are a MORON. So now, do the world a favor and knock this shit off! Once again, it all comes back to my MANTRA- BE YOURSELF! For God’s sake, if everyone were who they are from the beginning we wouldn’t have so many divorces. Okay, I am stepping off my Prada soapbox now. Kisses to all that matter and especially that hot fireman that writes me e-mails. (Yes, I know the pictures are fake but I will pretend and continue to have those fantasies.) Poka!

When your bottle rocket doesn’t go off as planned, make sure when you inspect it you point the exploding part away from your nuts.

You got to give this kid some credit not only does he slam his head on the table once but tries it again with the exact same result.