SomewhatDamaged.net

By: Svetlana Petrovskaya

Okay, so I know I have been a slacker. It has been a better part of a year since I have written anything. Well, suck it. I have a 9 month old son and my husband is deployed to the Middle East. Therefore, I have been exhausted, tired, overly bitchy, hormonal, to top it off- sex deprived! (Maybe that latter is the reason for most of the former? And no, I no longer have the vagina of a mule- see below) Yet I digress… as for now- I’M BAAAAAACCCCK!

I now have a new respect and appreciation for mothers, who actually behave like mother’s and don’t smoke crack or abuse their children, everywhere. Having a baby is hellish. Not only do you end up with a body that looks like a road atlas, a horse vagina, and huge black circles under your eyes and puffy appendages, you become a hormonal lunatic who fantasizes about drowning yourself in the bathtub. Well, at least that was me.

I don’t think I will ever understand these freaks of nature that have pregnancy fetishes. Why in the FUCK would you want to have sex with a woman who is not your wife that has horrible gas, hemorrhoids, stretch marks, cankles, and serious hormonal mood swings? Oooh, how sexy…. Let me go down on you while you fart in my face. (Yes people, you do get gas when you are pregnant.)

The other thing, why do random people feel the need to give you unsolicited advice while you are pregnant? I am not just talking about the sweet old lady that is being guided across the street by the boy scouts. I am talking about men who have teenage children. One time, I was standing at my favorite Japanese Ramen establishment, and this man started talking to me about using the Ferber method for sleep training my baby. Dude, I am still trying to grasp the fact that this human being has to come out of my pussy. Then there is my favorite one of all time, ‘You really should have a natural birth.’ Oh really? How about fuck you? Are you going to give birth for me and have a human stretch our your insides and vagina? Oh, that isn’t possible? Well, having a natural birth isn’t intelligent…bitch.
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As most of you are probably asking yourself, “where the fuck did Svetlana get off to???”

The SD Crew

By: Svetlana Petrovskaya

I am exasperated! I have about had enough of listening to my female friends going on and on about these morons that they are dating and how they just can’t let go. I mean, what the fuck is so wrong with you that you are willing to change how you dress, think, and act in order to keep some controlling, insecure idiot!? Don’t get me wrong, this Czarina has been in oppressive ridiculous relationships before where I have lost my sense of self and been resorted to a sniveling idiot. However, at some point I have woken up! Not only have I woken up but I have keyed a car as revenge. (I am not endorsing such behavior but I understand the feeling of psychotic. Be afraid, boys… I am dangerous.)

There is one thing that gets on my ever last nerve. You know what that is? It’s the bottom line dishonesty that seems to go BOTH ways in the dating game. I mean, why?! Is it so fucking difficult for all of you Pinocchio’s to return from donkey ass land and behave like decent human beings? It starts with something as innocent as giving out the wrong number to a guy at a bar. I mean, why not say: ‘Dude, I am not really interested in speaking to you beyond this bar. But thanks for asking.’ Oh yeah, because that is scary and means you actually have to have a spine! PUSSIES! No, I am not talking about what we have all done. I am guilty of having given the wrong number to that creepy, stalker guy who doesn’t get a hint even when I slap him across the face and call him a piece of shit. But, those are generally the jerks that will call the phone number in front of you and get all pissed off when it isn’t the right one! I mean, like I want you to call me if you are SO crazy that you will call the number right then and there to make sure it is correct? CHECK PLEASE!

The aforementioned is the same behavior that causes rabbits to be boiled and tires to be slashed! Why? Because it leads to the same game of making up lies as to why you don’t want to talk to someone again. So, you have a bad date? So the guy is a total douche or the chick needs to be on meds because she appears to have a diagnosis of a Borderline Personality? Okay, I get it.. I have dated the narcissist and hoped for the DSM IV to shell out pills to contain the mania! But why not give that person the courtesy of telling them WHY you don’t want to see them again? Generally, I will tell the person, ‘Dood, you are really cheap and acted like a moron on our date. I mean, did you really think it was going to get me to WANT to date you when you forced me to pay for gas?’ Sure they get pissed off! However, I guarantee they learned a lesson that may possibly help the next victim.

None of this behavior is really as bad as the following. WHY THE FUCK DO YOU PEOPLE STAY WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS STUCK THEIR DICK IN SOMEONE ELSE? Do you think your girlfriend landed on her back, her panties fell off and she spread her thighs accidently and didn’t mean it when the cock landed inside her pussy? I am going to say this once, loud and clear, for all of you slower types out there to digest and hopefully understand. CHEATING IS A CHARACTER FLAW! One of the top 10 character flaws is dishonesty. There is no greater dishonesty than to consistently and knowingly deceive a person you allegedly love or care for. It is the lowest of the low. I am not going to sit here and pretend I have never been the other woman. I have and it was a huge mistake. But, the worst part about the act I was assisting the piglet to commit was watching him justify his own actions. Sitting by and joining in while we both swallowed the poison of deceit. Sugar coat it all you want, you are a scum bag. May your cock grow cauliflower type bumps on it and fall off! Okay, that was way harsh….or was it?

Character flaws are pathological. Maybe you minions that are staying with these cheating sex addicts need to take a look at your own desperation and lack of self esteem. I strongly suggest you get into some form of a therapy session before I see you on my newest addiction, Snapped on Oxygen.( Oh shut up, you know you all get into watching women lose it and kill their husbands with an ax!) Seriously, you will suddenly find yourself so crazed, miserable and lost that your conscious will have been eaten by the maggots inside your brain! RUN NOW! Find someone who cares about you enough to grant you the decency of honesty! I seriously can’t take it! I do not have any openings for individual therapy sessions and to be honest, there are far too many of you to help anyway! You do not need someone THAT badly that you lose your own self worth.

So, on a final note….. Since we have now decided to elect someone who has no understanding about the idea of personal responsibility I believe we need to try harder! (Yeah, I am still waiting for Obama to ‘pay for my gas’….)You are not a product of your environment if you choose not to be. I understand, maybe your Uncle/Aunt molested you or your Daddy beat you with a stick. That sucks and is god awful. However, you are an adult now and can take control over your own life. DO IT DAMN YOU! Leave the pigs! Tell the guy at the bar you don’t want his weird ass to have your number! Let the broad know that she may have a serious mental disorder and she scares you so you will no longer be seeing her! I urge everyone to try something new! Let’s have a revolution of honesty!! VIVA HONESTY! Until next time… Poka!

By: Svetlana Petrovskaya

Okay boys and toddlers, (Wait, aren’t they one in of the same? Now, Now.. I was just kidding.) today your royal highness (Me, duh) is going to tackle the topic of pick-up lines! Oh yes, this will be highly embarrassing and slightly humiliating for your sex. Then again, I also know some women who I would gladly throw to the STD wolves who have used pick-up lines that make my clitoris retreat far into my ovaries. Or wait, maybe it makes my clitoris stretch out in an attempt to become a penis? Well, either way, I have been shamed by my own. But, I will tell you that I have received some choice lines from men. It has even been the consensus that I have been the MOST traumatized by these sickies.

While reviewing with some of my girlfriends, we constantly wondered why men attempt these things. Then it dawned on me! They use these lines because sometimes they have to work! (Please God say less often than 5%) I would assume they work most when a woman is so inebriated she thinks Cletus OneGreenTeefs looks like Daniel Day-Lewis. (Yes, I find him hot as fuck, problem?) However, I have a sneaking suspicion that some of the trailer park residents who are currently suckling 4 tots on their windsock like tits, fall for these time after time. (God Bless the welfare system!) There have been a few mild ones:

“Nice shoes want to fuck?”

Loser Guy: “So you ride horses?” Karleen- “Yep” Loser Guy: “When are you going to ride me?”

In the supermarket: “Are your melons ripe?”

Or even my favorite, please run fast from a guy this psychotic, whom Sherry Has been graced with:

“God sent me here for a reason and that reason is to marry you”

Then we have the creative:

Idiot: “When do the Fireworks start?” Chick: “Umm.. it’s the 5th of July.” Idiot: “Between me and you.”

I mean, he doesn’t even say between you and I, PIG with horrible grammar- NEXT!

“If you were a burger at McDonald’s I would call you McBeautiful.”

I once had a moron totally bullocks this one up with me. Basically, he looked at me and said, “Girl, you remind me of a cheeseburger… Good enough to eat.” My response to him was simple: “Lovely, I get to be a high in fat, cheap meal, I am flattered.” He was sputtering and shamed. I felt a slight twinge of joy run through my body at his humiliation. Hmm.. maybe I should invest in some leather.

But, let me tell you that these all pale in comparison to the most deranged and moronic lines I have ever been forced to endure. My sweet, innocent Czarina ass was cornered and verbally molested by the sexual deviants! Someone please save me, or save the world, from these types of cretins. Men, do me a favor, NEVER use these lines unless you are with a hooker, stripper or a woman who doesn’t have to push when she takes a shit.

“I bet your clit is as pink as your lips and I would sure love to find out.”

“I have a leather mask, a leather suit and I can tie any kind of knot. I would LOVE to dominate and destroy you.”

I mean, come on. Can you imagine this actually working on sweet, innocent, angelic moi? Guy number two was bald, covered in tattoos, about 6’5” and 280 pounds. I can say with a lot of confidence that he most likely has a criminal record and meat hooks hanging from the ceiling of his bedroom/dungeon. I am not ashamed to admit that I peed a little in my La Perla panties when those words were uttered! Why, GOD WHY? Does he truly think I would find the idea of being mutilated and raped intriguing? (Okay, I am not adverse to that kind of role play thing with the man I love, but come on!) Yes, please cut me from sternum to anus!! Mmm, sexy…yeah fucktard, I have family and friends who love me and wouldn’t want to find my body in a ditch!

Boys, let me give you a word of advice. Even if the guy has ears like Opie and a physique like Shrek, (Yes; green, warts and all.) if he approaches me at a bar in an honest and sincere way, I will speak to him. Shit, I have even gone on dates with complete Dexter’s because he has approached me and said, “Hi, my name is (fill in name), what’s yours?” I mean, are you kidding me with this shit? Unless you are Dwight Schrute, (I know, I have a strange fascination with him, I would let him… see above.) do not attempt to be clever, suave and witty with your pick-up lines! You actually end up looking like the remnants of the “water” inside a used douche bag. I mean you aren’t even good enough to clean a dirty fish boat vagina!!

You know how you know you are striking out? The chick isn’t looking at you, she has to use the restroom or find her friends, and she laughs in your face and calls you a loser–Pretty good indicators that you are a MORON. So now, do the world a favor and knock this shit off! Once again, it all comes back to my MANTRA- BE YOURSELF! For God’s sake, if everyone were who they are from the beginning we wouldn’t have so many divorces. Okay, I am stepping off my Prada soapbox now. Kisses to all that matter and especially that hot fireman that writes me e-mails. (Yes, I know the pictures are fake but I will pretend and continue to have those fantasies.) Poka!

By: Svetlana Petrovskaya

Last night I had the pleasure of joining my dear friend Jacks, his wife and two of their friends for a birthday celebration for Jacks. (S dnem rozhdeniya, Jacks!) Yes, it was him and four women. I think he enjoyed himself immensely, especially when we all returned to his home for a night cap and a cake. (Don’t get any ideas you sexually deprived OOL’s, but yes, I did jump out of it to AC/DC’s “Shook Me All Night Long”. Okay, focus…) Talk about the odds being in his favor! As things usually do when women get together, the subject was quickly domineered by horror dates and relationships from hell. However, I was in for a treat tonight. For once, my dysfunctional life and dating history would be out done! Oh yes my loyal perverted readers, someone actually has had more fucked up insanity happen on a regular basis than I have!

As we sat there, Felicia had a text message come in. She then explained to us that she met this guy who had asked her out. Then, after asking her out, he decided to pick a place near his house and asked for HER to “swing by” and pick him up. Why, you may ask? Because the cheap bastard said he didn’t want to pay $20 for parking! Oh, so she can pay? (Nice… as I am sure you can imagine I was repulsed …disgusted, but not surprised.) Anyway, she was going to blow him off when he texted asking why she never returned his call. I am not a big believer in the blow off. Actually, I find it to be incredibly rude and chicken-shit. So, I told her to text him back and gently inform him that he was a cheap bastard loser. Anyway, she followed the advice and now they are going out again because he groveled and saw the error in his penny pinching ways.

But I digress. As we sat waiting for this doods response to her text, we all started swapping horror stories. Not just our own, we even included ones we have heard from some of our male friends: men who have had their wallets stolen on dates by crazy broads, men who have had CD’s stolen out of their cars by kleptomaniac hussies, men who were dumbfounded by women who would not leave their apartment even after exclaiming that the man is ugly . . . you know the usual crazy Carrie-esque type chicks who may or may not try to strangle you in your sleep. Then, Felicia begins to inform us of her disastrous dating debacles! I have never in my entire life heard of such insane shit – ever. So, based on Felicia and the nightmares she has had to endure, I have decided to do a part two of How To (and not to) Get Laid.

What not to do on a date:

1. Do not cum in your pants from a kiss, that doesn’t even include tongue, and then inform the woman you just did it. I mean, WTF? If you have some sort of sick problem, see a doctor. Secondly, why would I EVER want to skroo a man who can’t even wait to get tongue before busting a nut! How long will it take before you can even stick a finger in my crotch? Jesus…let alone even a quarter inch of your cock!

2. Do NOT play The Muppets CD . . . and then sing to it.

3. Do not, after said Muppets weirdness, take a HUGE dump in the chicks’ apartment. This will cause the entire apartment to smell like your feces. Once you have caused her entire home to smell like a hazmat disaster area, do not try to make a move. How can she possibly make out with you inhaling the smell of your bowels?

4. Do not take your date to the House of Blues AFTER she has asked you 4 times not to.

5. Do not put the little sample cups on your eyes as a joke at Coffee bean after the House of Blues is sold out and you just made her get in line for no reason. Putting mini cups on your eyes is not funny and/or cute.

6. Do not admit you are a puppeteer and then ask her on a date to watch your show. I mean come on, you are a FUCKING puppeteer! People in movies who have puppets speak to them! They have “relationships!” They think they are real and then the “puppet” stabs you! Hell no!

7. Do not admit you take a jazz dance class. Are you a fucking homo?

8. Do NOT take your parents Cadillac, especially if it reeks of old man.

9. Do not dress like a homosexual cowboy and then attempt to make out before even going to dinner.

10. Do NOT ask a girl to “swing by” and pick you up.

Maybe to some of you, these would seem like normal Don’ts! However, these things have truly happened. That means that some of you pathetic losers have actually done this a few times and expected it to work. I mean seriously, who is going to go into a broad’s bathroom and drop a HUGE deuce, stink up the place and THEN try to get me naked? Who does this shit? If you find any of the above to be acceptable, do me a favor. Walk yourself (or borrow Grandpa’s Caddy and drive) down to a sex store and purchase a pocket pussy. Why? This will be the only form of pussy that is not unconscious or in a morgue that you are going to get. God help us all…

By: Svetlana Petrovskaya

Ladies and gentleman, today I have a special treat for you. The Czarina went shopping, two days in a row. Yes, you would think my high maintenance ass would enjoy this extremely feminine experience, alas I do NOT. Why, may you ask? Well let’s see, because the other women in the stores are fucking crazy! I don’t mean just a little weird or off, I mean straight up in need of medication and a possible stay at the Hotel California. To me, shopping in Beverly Hills with the women incapable of blinking from all the staples in their face is akin to having a really horrible bout of menstrual cramps and vaginitis. Okay boys, if you plan on ever cohabitating with a woman for longer than one night, get used to these terms. They happen, even to those of us that don’t allow men to utilize our vaginas like a subway station.

Yesterday, I decided to pose a few questions to the kind sales man named Daniel in the women’s shoe department of “bloomies.” I was glancing around at the sale racks and watching as these repulsive Persian peasants were ripping shoes off the racks and then throwing them on the floor like tantruming children. I wasn’t too surprised considering they were decked out in Von Dutch and Juicy Couture Paris Hilton Trash, but still it was a sight to be held. Picture it, Grown, chubby Arab broads with impeccable nails and freshly blown out hair, tossing shoes around as if they had a servant following them to clean their messes. (You also know they will get into their cheesy Mercedes with Golden rims and stop at the Golden arches for a snack. ‘Golden bro… Golden…’) I sweetly posed the question to Daniel, “How do you like working in the shoe department with all the crazy broads?” He sighed heavily and informed me he had to stop working full time for his own sanity. His stories, of women shoving each other out of the way, stealing from each other, and pushing each other away from mirrors to view their own reflection better, was almost comical…if it wasn’t so utterly pathetic. Isn’t that sad? I mean, women are SO insane in shoe departments people need to cut back on hours for their own mental health?

Men, let me ask you a question. How does your concubine behave at a shoe sale at Bloomingdales? (If she goes to sales at Pay-Less, that says enough for me, period.) And, if she is this psychotic over a pair of calfskin leather shoes, what will she do to your leather interior of your BMW (or your Mazda Miata, please God no..) when you decide you have had enough of her hormonal tirades and emotional explosions? Rabbits anyone…..Alex Forrest comes to mind…..

“Well, what am I supposed to do? You won’t answer my calls, you change your number. I mean, I’m not gonna be ignored, Dan!”

A few moments later I am browsing quietly in one of the women’s sections, trying to stray as far away from the Juicy Couture section as possible, when I find a green dress I begin to covet. I pick it up and walk casually toward the counter where the sales lady is doing some inane task and pretending to look busy. Yet what happens? I am literally 3 inches from the counter when an older, obnoxious Asian-type cretin, slams her gigantic Leonello Borghi magazine bag on the counter in front of my face! Not just that, she has her back to me, sliding between me and the counter, literally shoving me out of the way. For a beat I am in disbelief, until I come to my senses and exclaim, “Oh excuse me your royal highness, don’t let me get in your way or anything.” This fat headed lunatic doesn’t even acknowledge my existence or my comment, and demands that the sales lady find her this, and that, and goes on and on like the Queen of hearts in Alice in Wonderland. Tee vidyelish moyio vodkoo?

This, my dear boys, is how women TRULY behave in the shopping mall. This is how chicks truly behave towards each other. If you want a real, raw, truly awe inspiring experience head toward the malls when the doors open at higher end retail department stores on black Friday. (My experience was during normal, non-sales times!) There you will see the true nature and character of what you are attempting to bed, marry and breed with. You may change your mind and head to California, gay marriage may not seem so obscene after all. Poka and happy shopping balmy bitches!

By: Svetlana Petrovskaya

Well, the time has finally come that the Czarina will appear before the masses of perverts and idiots in nothing but cowboy boots and baby oil! Oh, I have your attention now do I?

Fine, it isn’t really perverts and idiots–Kirk and Shamrock Jim have requested my expertise on the do’s and don’ts of relationships and most likely a little dominatrix type abuse, for their radio show. Yeah, I know… I wondered if they were mentally challenged as well. I mean, who would want to sit next to me, lathered up in oil, nude and panting as I slide off my chair in studio? Well, those were the rules… and I accepted. So if you don’t listen, you may not get to rub one off…Oh yeah… its radio! I forgot, you won’t get to see it….

By: Svetlana Petrovskaya

Okay, Okay, I am back. Yeah, yeah I know. I have already been properly flogged by our fantastic Administrator here at SomewhatDamaged.net, he has tied me up, beaten me and even spanked me. Don’t get too excited, we have no photos of that! (I know how some of you perverts are!) I have just been distracted by the Wright conspiracy and this circus of an election! How could I not be? Now I am looking over my shoulder wondering when the FBI is going to bring me crack and guns!? Oh yeah wait, that ONLY happens to black people. And seriously, is anyone REALLY shocked over the Admirals sexual encounters in The White House when the president was receiving fellatio and cigar cutting classes from Monica? Never mind….. Maybe now I can get on with it. My life begins again! (PS- This is a subliminal message: Obama is a total socialist- Take it from a Russian. If you vote for him you are brain dead or maybe you belong in the KGB museum.)

Now boys and my few girlfriends that actually read this article, today is going to be a lesson in online patheticness. Yes, I just made up a word “patheticness”, so? You have a problem with that, jackass? Anyway, if you do have a problem with it, you most likely have a problem with my subject matter as a whole. And if that is the case I will be forced to ask the obvious, WHY THE FUCK DO YOU READ MY SHIT? Yet I digress….

There are a few levels of pathetic online existence. Most people have a normal existence with the cyber world: check your e-mail, search the net, subscribe to the occasional social website (myspace, facebook, hi5, etc…), maybe go to a few chat rooms and subscribe to a blog. Yes, that is pretty normal. So, for arguments sake, we shall steal a term from Bill W and Dr. Bob and call these people “Normies.” Maybe we can start up an internet lifestyle addiction 12 step program? Hmmm…

I like to consider myself a normie. On a few occasions when I am really miserable, depressed or lonely, I may spend more time than I like on the internet and in an occasional trashy, yet entertaining chat room. However, I am capable of stepping away and living my life outside… you know…. where there are trees and cars and people roam? I know, for some of you this is foreign! Maybe some of you even have your groceries delivered in so you don’t have to face the world! (Maybe we can blame gas prices for that too! Let’s not even get in to the fact that we aren’t “allowed” to drill in our own damned country.) My God, the internet is an agoraphobics’ dream come true! Really scary when you think of it- I mean, no wonder people can be held hostage in a basement for 20 years… no one leaves their houses anymore!

The next level up would be the “online pervert.” You know who I am talking about; as I am sure some of you ARE him or her. Total freaks of nature whack jobs. I don’t really get it, you can get so much free porn on the internet and high school and college girls give sex away for dinner and a movie, so why have someone TYPE to you about their genitals? “Oh baby yes, your Comic Sans is so hot… Mmm… please give me that Bold Times New Roman.” I mean, get fucking serious. You are snapping the carrot to a COMPUTER FONT!!! Most likely it is ANOTHER fat, loser, old dood trying to get his rocks off as well. (Obese Jabba Dood: “Yes, my name is Stacy, I am 5’6”, 115 pounds, blonde and blue and I like to fuck. Want to chat?”) It just boggles my mind. I would say, on average, I get about 10 IMs daily on AIM from losers asking me if I like sex, wear stocking, like anal, etc. You name it; the FREAKS come out at night!

Last but not least, let’s get right to the point, the Pièce de résistance! The Obsessed Online Loser! Yes, this could be you I am speaking of, and if it is, seek help! I mean, it is TIME to get therapy if your entire social existence thrives off the internet. Losers, you HAVE NO LIFE! You sit around on line in the comfort of your prison cell or mother’s basement and you chat or online game your life away. HELLO? What memories do you have in your life? (Remember that special message we shared in pink font?) What use are you to society? Okay, maybe I am glad you weirdo’s aren’t out on the streets driving around. However, I have a sneaking suspicion you are taking government hand-outs! Maybe even living off your parents? WHAT THE FUCK? It is not normal to have a boyfriend or a girlfriend that you TEXT to and ONLY speak to on the phone! (Personally, I would rather be fucked with a dick attached to a live person.) It is NOT normal to send gifts, money, jewelry to someone you have NEVER met! If you do these things you are a COMPLETE FUCKING LOSER! Yes, check yourself into a mental ward. Maybe you need to be lobotomized. No one NORMAL does these things. And if you do, get some self esteem, man! However, if you want to send me money feel free to e-mail me and I will gladly direct you to my Paypal account, pidar gnoinyj!!! Try to find that in a Russian to English Dictionary!

Currently, I am conducting a “case study” on the online pervert. Hopefully it will give me enough material so I can provide you my next memoirs’. I have gotten a lot of requests for an article like this so wish me well! Once again, if you are an “OOL” (Obsessed Online Loser), my Paypal takes credit cards!! POKA!

By: Svetlana Petrovskaya

The Bear

Everyone knows a bear. The bear is the epitome of the bitter, jaded and angry dejected lover- Someone who was either cheated on or left for someone better. You know the most ironic part of the whole damned thing? The bear is so annoyingly bitter that they can’t even recognize that their anger and pussiness MAY be the original reason the “bitch/asshole” left them in such a cowardly way. (Who wants to go through the hassle of a break up with a dramatist?) The bear causes you to feel discomfort akin to a heel to a ball sack or the shedding of your uterine lining just being in their very presence! (Yes, very pleasant!) I mean, who doesn’t want to be around this barrel of joy! I find it difficult to believe that they were the height of perfect, loving and generous boy/girlfriend who was so wronged! Maybe if they weren’t so whiny, manipulative and self loathing this evil person who fucked their best friend wouldn’t have needed to stray! Hey bears, YOU are your own problem. Maybe you are a compulsive liar who got busted? Maybe you are overly jealous and insecure? Maybe you are a clingy sniveling weakling? Ever think of that? No, bears are far too vagina to look inward. It’s much easier to hate the world than look at why they are the rejects. And rejects they are! Oh yes, you are a fucking loser you hibernating bitch!

Look, I am not saying that EVERY person who has been cheated on or left in some deranged, heart wrenching way is a bear. No way, I am not THAT mean. Some people unfortunately get stuck with snakes or tarantulas and are too kind or trusting to realize it. THAT is unfortunate and makes me physically ill. I would like to take those cum dumpsters that ruin really good people with their sickness and stab them! (There are not very many of those truly good people left, sadly. We need to preserve them! My God, they are like fine wine!) Yet, I am SO sick of the bitter image. I mean, GET OVER IT! My favorite conversations are when guys say shit like, “That bitch left me for him.” Then I see this hot guy who obviously has the genitalia of a prized race horse and the bank account of Bill Gates! I mean, are you joking? Let’s get serious, why would I take a homeless man eating out of a dumpster (McDonald’s is the equivalent of a dumpster) when I could have George Clooney. (Personally, I think he DOES look like a Pug. But, most women seem to like him– Right Melissa?) My word of advice, DROP ALL CONTACT WITH THESE FAGS! Yes, they will eventually wake from their extended hibernation of hatred but they need to go it alone…. Good Luck.

The Lion

The Lion is a complex individual. You see, there are TWO types of Lions. There is the cowardly lion and then there is the king of the jungle. Lions generally tend to be men; it’s just the way it goes. So, let me start with the cowardly lion: Successful, great self confidence, attractive and funny. What woman wouldn’t want this man? Tell that to him! He may be able to negotiate corporate deals or win huge settlements outside of court, he may even be an “attack pilot”, but he is CLUELESS on how to communicate with chicks! The difficulty of the cowardly lion is getting in. However, he is worth it. Once you get through and snag this massive jungle cat, the true nature of a dominant and confident creature will emerge. Ladies, be patient! At first you may have to assist him in the rules and regulations of navigating our hearts, but once they get it down they will love you ferociously! Personally, I am a huge fan of this type of man. (Can you tell?) The Cowardly lion has the ability to get in my panties in less than 5 seconds. But ladies, control yourselves, you have to make them work for it a little bit… I know, you don’t want to… but you will lose them if you don’t! Build a relationship first… then you will have the hottest most orgasm screaming sex of your life. Okay, why does it suddenly feel really hot in here?

The King of the Jungle version of the Lion happens to have all the qualities of the cowardly lion, yet he just sits around and waits for the women to come to him. Oh, and they do. This guy is NOT shy at all. He is the guy that every woman wants to be with. He sends off a sort of charismatic energy that can be seductive and intoxicating. Every woman has fallen prey to one of these. (Unless you look like you’re smuggling throw pillows in the seat of your pants.) What could possibly be the downside of getting involved with the King? Well, besides the fact that he may die trying to shit on the toilet due to speed constipation? (Okay, Okay… I admit that was a cheap shot!) Lions have a harem, and this will always, without fail, be the case. On RARE occasions the King may decide to settle down and keep his enormous cock in his pants. The odds, VERY RARE! You would have had a better chance betting that the Dolphins would have won 2 games this last football season. (Ouch)

This Czarina has fallen prey to one or two of these Predatory champions. I can’t knock them; generally they are very honest and upfront about their caddish behavior. Women, being the pathetic creatures we sometimes can morph into, fall for it. WHY? Because MAYBE, on some strange and off chance, we will be the ONE person to change them! Why do you think George Clooney has so many women swooning over him? He announced, for the entire world to hear, that he would NEVER get married. What happened? Hordes of women started to lust and chase after him….. Udachi ladies!

The Tigress

Beautiful, intelligent, confident and funny; when she walks into a room, people notice. If you want to pony up and be with a Tigress, you better check out if you are man enough. I don’t mean that you have a huge enough dick, but generally that does help. This woman is a hunter and she can smell insecurity and fear. You know there is a serious truth to the cheesy lyrics of the Hal and Oates classic, Man Eater. This song was written with the Tigress in mind

“Oh here she comes
Watch out boy shell chew you up
Oh here she comes
Shes a maneater
Oh here she comes
Watch out boy shell chew you up
Oh here she comes
Shes a maneaterI wouldnt if I were you
I know what she can do
Shes deadly man, and she could really rip your world apart
Mind over matter
The beauty is there but a beast is in the heart”

However, there is hope for some of you guys! If you are a Lion of either type, you can tame this cat. Generally a tigress is highly sensitive and generous. However, the tough outer exterior and beautiful façade, with patience and love can be easily penetrated. Hence the reason you better not be a typically weak, sniveling bear or a coyote. Tarantulas, bobcats and cougars abhor this princess of the jungle and will do what they can to destroy her reputation. Why? Because they are either used up old cunts or disgusting gold digging sluts that are desperate for what they deem as happiness.

Mne nado idti! It’s a jungle out there ladies and gentleman. Now, do me a favor… and before you start labeling yourself as one of these animals, be sure that it isn’t some delusional fantasy that you have. (I can’t with you freak of natures living in some sort of online fantasy of pimpness. Having 10 fingers rubbing your dick doesn’t make you a pimp. Not unless those fingers belong to a person OTHER than yourself! No, rubber or plastic doesn’t count. ) Most of you are NOT going to be Lion Kings. Mufassa fell off the fucking cliff and died… and a lot of those types end up with viral type cauliflower growths on their junk. Oh, and if you are a snake or a tarantula, fuck yourself. Baboons, once again… you look like tools… and bobcats… at least spend the coin on some plastic surgery. Until next time, Poka!

By: Svetlana Petrovskaya

Christmas is in the air! Oh yes, my favorite time of the year that has been molested by the commercial market. (Retailers should be thrown in jail and raped by large toothless men named Bubba.) I always find great joy in walking into stores, blasting Christmas music, before I have even stuffed my Thanksgiving bird. Can we PLEASE wait until the day AFTER Thanksgiving before we start celebrating Christmas? One holiday at a time, I beg of you! As you can see, I take this after Thanksgiving shit very serious. In that spirit, I have decided to deviate from my Law of the Jungle tirade to insert a special Christmas edition. What NOT to get your girlfriend for Christmas:

In preparation for this article I polled a few of my female friends. I was expecting a few shitty gifts, but nothing like what was revealed to me via MySpace. What is wrong with you people? I mean, not everyone could have had parents who left the gas on when they were children! How can some of you be so fucking brain damaged? I mean, who the HELL buys their girlfriend the book, “He’s Just Not That into You?” The best part about that little heart warmer was that the guy, to this day, doesn’t understand why she dumped his ass! Just a tip: Don’t buy your girlfriend a book, even as a joke, that she may find a hidden message in!

This Commie Princess has a few suggestions for you hopeless and clueless men. If it will hurt your wallet a little and cause your friends to gag and wretch at the thought of the gift, it is most likely right on. If your friends find it “hilarious” or “Awesome”, it will most likely cause you to lose a testicle or maybe even never get to “dig out” that bitch again. Alas, I can only do so much. After I was told by one woman that a friend of hers boyfriend actually bought her a “personal massager” from Spencers, in which she opened in front of her parents, I am not sure that some of you are salvageable. (How does he not know that is a vibrator? Maybe he did and has a sick fucked up problem? Maybe he wanted to bang the parents? One can only imagine…)

To be honest, the most common annoying gift was a household appliance. Personally, I wouldn’t be offended by some vibrating machine, but it isn’t that kind. (I mean, as long as, unlike the aforementioned moron, he tells me to open it ALONE!) No way! Some men actually gave their wives or girlfriends washing machines, BBQ sauce packs, knives (I think he should have thought that one out much further), a matching silver pen and pencil, a pair of mittens, socks (Yes, seriously! This was the last item on her list and this is ALL she got) a lawnmower (I was personally stunned by this gift), an external hard drive (I mean, unless she is a HUGE computer nerd, no).

All of these gifts are HUGE no-nos. However, two of my friends had the TOP horrific gifts. I have nightmares that the love of my life would ever be so stupid. I shudder to think of the length of my jail sentence if I was ever gifted the following: a scale and a 6 month weight-loss program membership. WHY GOD WHY? I mean, do you think that we would EVER disrobe in front of you again if you were to tell us, in huge bold letters and a Goodyear blimp (pardon the pun), that we are fat fucking cows who repulse you? Why not just give me a feed bag or a hoof pick? Maybe you can even purchase me a customized saddle? (I actually saw people on “Real Sex” that would have enjoyed that. Hmm…)

I am going to make this very easy for you and don my Santa hat! Here is a list of gifts that will most likely make any woman happy:

1. Jewelry, in a light blue box with a red ribbon.
(Tiffany’s has red ribbons for Christmas. “Diamonds are a Girls Best Friend!”)

2. A Spa Package. (Nothing says I respect and love you more than a little pampering. Hint: Massage, facial and mani/pedi)

3. A BMW X-5 in gun metal gray.
(Wait, that is what I want… hmm..)

4. An IPOD

5. A Trip to Hawaii

6. A Pink laptop
(Oh yeah, that is me again..)

7. A Gift certificate, of over $100 to her favorite clothing store or Bloomingdales.

8. Concert tickets for her favorite artist.

9. Tickets for the NY Giants or the Pro Bowl NFC side on the 40 Yard Line.
(Hark, that is me too… I am a selfish twat, aren’t I?)

10. Some women, not I, requested sexy underwear in the right size. I would be thrilled if it came from La Perla, tho’…

11. Gift Certificate to Sephora

12. DVD set of her favorite television series.
(All the seasons, not just one, you cheap-o’s.)

Those are just some of my ideas, and ideas I got when I polled my fabulous female friends. I don’t know what else to do for you guys. If you can’t figure out a great gift to get your girlfriend then maybe you don’t know her. But I can guarantee you this, unless you want to be single for the New Year, do NOT buy her a household staple. If you do, you may want to stock up on Jergens because you and your hand are going to become VERY intimate.

SchaslIvovo RozhdestvA!