Episode 1: Charlie The Lemon
The first of several soon to be released TikiWasteland short animations. Keep coming back every week for new episodes!
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2010 SUPER BOWL COMMERCIALS
SomewhatDamaged.net is glad to bring you it’s yearly tradition of posting all of this year’s Super Bowl commercials, brought to you by SpikeTV!
To see the video’s in full screen mode, click the square icon in the bottom right-hand corner of the media player. ENJOY!!!
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3 Simple Things Ruined Because People Are Stupid
Remember in grade school (or for some of you, boot camp) when one kid acted up and the whole class had to pay the consequences? It would seem, as many of you already know, that that trend doesn’t end with our teens. Law suits, legal action, court orders, and just plain bitching have taken simple little things and made a huge shit pile out of it. Things like….
1) Silica Gel Packs Labeled Poison
Pop quiz… what would happen if you defied all social logic and decided to pop one of those silica gels you find inside electronic’s boxes in your mouth and chase it with a tall cold one?
Answer… nothing. Sorry if you were expecting a different result.
Answer…. not this.
The grains of what looks like clear caviar in the tiny packets are a desiccant. That is, they absorb moisture. You find them in food products that will have a longer shelf life if they stay dry. That could include pepperoni, dried nuts and fruits, or vitamins. In other words… YOU ALREADY EAT THEM. Sorta.
So why the big deal about NOT eating them? Well the most important thing is because you might choke on the bag. If you’re slapping yourself in the forehead right now, it’s ok. If not… take a minute to let that sink in. So next time you feel like showing off, tear one open and go nuts.
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Pixels!
A seriously awesome short in which New York City is attacked by pixels and first-generation video game characters.
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Who’s In Your Top Five List?
I got a lot of the same chicks on my list, man.
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Florida State Senator Surfs Porn During Debate
Finally! Something we can all get behind… pornographic images of possibly underage girls!
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A Guide To Advertising Like Every Other Company Ever
Have you ever caught yourself being able to predict what a commercial is going to say before they say it, even if you’ve never heard it before?
You’re not alone. Let’s face it… marketing techniques have become more and more mundane and repetitive as the typical consumer become lazier and more predictable. Simply slapping a word like or “American” doesn’t give credibility to shows like American Pickers, but who among us would have even tuned in for episode one if it were called Garbage Pickers? That’s what it is though. Just a couple of garbage pickers. What’s next, American Abortionist?
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The Final Episode of LOST Has Crushed My Spirit
Well, last night was the say I had been dreading for the last 6 years of my life… LOST came to an end. It is no more, and I guess I just need to come to terms with that, accept it and move on. I’ve been blessed, really, as many of you have as well to have been lucky enough to be able to enjoy a show like LOST for as long as I did, and that it never failed to entertain. Not for one single episode.
And I love how, even with all the millions of fan theories floating around, the writers were still able to throw us a curveball at the end that (let’s be honest) nobody had predicted. Some came close when theorizing that they were all dead while on the island, and that the island were some sort of purgatory. Lo and behold, the Flash-Sideways Timeline was the purgatory the whole time. Even the most clownshit insane Lost conspiracy theorist didn’t see that coming.
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A Review of Kendra Wilkinson’s Sex Tape
I want to make two immediate points about this video before I get into this with any more detail. First off, don’t waste your money buying it, and secondly (and much more likely) don’t even waste your time downloading it.
Another warning that I think should be stamped all over the outside of the DVD like a Surgeon General’s Label is that this isn’t 2010 Kendra with the sexy eyes, full-bodied hair and amazing fake tits that we know from ‘The Girls Next Door’. No no nooo… this is 2003 “training bra” Kendra! Complete with her trailer trash, scraggly hair and desperately-in-need-of-Proactive-but-it-hasn’t-been-invented-yet face.
And the ass of a 73 year old truck driver…
OK, so Fugly Kendra is not what we were hoping for. Surely there must be hope for the lady’s being that Kendra Wilkinson would only sleep with the studliest of studs, right? If you thought so, you’re not very good at picking up on painfully obvious foreshadowing…
Kendra decided to film her agonizing “star” debut with that creepy neighbor type guy (hereafter referred to as Shrek) who mows his lawn with his shirt off, effectively slaying the sex drives of every innocent heterosexual within sight. Shrek’s basically this oaffy, over-weight ginger freak who normally couldn’t score a girl half as hot as Kendra Wilkinson if it were arranged by the Make-a-Wish foundation. How these two got hooked up, and what she was doing at the comic book convention they undoubtedly met at, is beyond me.
He doesn’t always drink beer, but when he does… it’s Dos Equis.
The production doesn’t give all the other flaws anything to fall back on, either. It basically has all the makings of your average bargain-bin Logitech webcam production and awkward sexual misdirection you would expect from two high-school kids savagely fondling each other in the back seat of a school bus. There’s one point, about half-way through, where Shrek is climbing all over Kendra like a fat man smothering a puppy, where you can see (and vaguely hear) her telling him he’s doing it wrong. Then she starts pointing all over the place like she’s a fucking conductor for the London Philharmonic.
Even the opening credits give a glimpse into the haunting disappointment you’re about to experience when it claims that “the sexual situations in the following adult feature are shown for entertainment and informational purposes“. Yes, thank you for informing me I’m watching a moderately attractive chick (by 90′s standards) getting nailed by the guy who sells shoes at the flea market. It then goes on to preach safe sex and the use of condoms, mere minutes before showing Shrek bare-backin’ it with a walking sack of STD’s.
All in all, I give it two thumbs down. Three if you count my now even more-so flaccid penis.
Breakdown:
-
Stars – Nothing you’d look twice at.
Lighting – About that of an emergency stairwell.
Production – Piss poor
Use of hand over camera lens – Excellent
Awkward angles – Fair
Motion sickness – Guaranteed
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A Beginners Guide To Owning a Harley
So you’ve scrimped and saved for years and years and now’s the time to strike. You’re gonna go out an buy that Harley you’ve you’ve told all your ex-girlfriends about, but none ever really believe you actually would. Well you’re gonna show them! But hold it there, Bones… there are a few things you’re gonna need first.
1) The Lifestyle
First and foremost, you need to keep in mind that when you buy a Harley, you’re not just buying a motorcycle. I suggest going down to your local dive bar about noon and do your research. As any 63 year old biker will tell you… you’re adopting a lifestyle. He’ll most likely then call you a wannabe pussy bitch and break a pool cue over your head, but the message is all the same: No Harley owner just owns a bike. You will need to spend the remainder of your life surrounding yourself with Harley Davidson T-shirts, bumper stickers, coffee mugs, blankets, hats, coasters, door mats, condoms, keychains, mailboxes, picture frames and a pilot to skywrite a custom message in the sky letting the world know you own a Harley.
This is also acceptable.
Basically you will need to envelope every ounce of your being and somehow relate that to Harley Davidson so that there is zero chance anyone you meet could possibly be less than certain you love Harleys. And you BETTER have a Harley tattoo, you wannabe pussy bitch.
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5 Activities That Will Soon Be Illegal
You don’t have to be 85 years old to tell some good ol’ back-in-the-day stories. Many of us still remember the days of yore when talking on your cell phone while driving wasn’t a big deal. Now a days, get busted checking your voicemail and you’ll land your ass a 6 week vacation in Guantanamo Bay.
Little convenience like this were taken for granted until they were taken away from us, also referred to as the day the world threw their arms up in the air in the largest collective “what the fuck happened?” ever recorded. So heed my sage advice, and enjoy a few more of these little things that will soon be raped from our world. Things like:
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Advantage: Cops
This afternoon I was waiting at a weigh station for inspection and I got to chatting it up with the State Patrol Officer there. We were talking about nonsense for a while when I asked him how fast his cruiser could go. After a second he replies “I’ve got it up to about 130mph.”
A HUNDRED AND THIRTY MILES PER FUCKING HOUR!!! How the fuck am I supposed to out run that in my little 4 cyclinder pickup truck which tops out at about 85?!? And that’s going downhill with a moderate tailwind. Here I am throwing shit out the window trying to lighten my load and gain a few extra precious miles per hour, and meanwhile he’s chillin’ back there with the A/C on listening to his favorite jazz tunes. And he’s cocky about it, too as if HE’S awesome cuz his work vehicle THAT I PAID FOR goes fast.
What?!? It’s called an AC Suit, citizen.
First off; fuck you. It’s not your car. You didn’t soup it up and make it awesome. The tax payers did. Secondly, I didn’t pay those tax dollars to make it easier for you to give me a $120 ticket.
Here’s what I’m thinking… divide the police cars into two categories: Emergency response and traffic. Keep the emergency response cars the way they are and let’s make a few modifications to the traffic ones. I’m thinking they should be mandated to run on no more than a quarter-tank of gas. Also, they have to run on one spare tire at all times. Oh, and they should be towing an 11 foot CrisCraft Speedboat on a flimsy trailer. We need to level the playing field here. 130mph. For fuck’s sake.
Let’s take it a step further, actually. Rip the roof off dat sucka, Smokey and The Bandit Style. Let’s see how 80mph feels then with your Little Debbie snack cakes flying everywhere, coffee spilling on everything and your little gay tie that keeps flapping up and hittin’ ya in the face. High speed chases would be way more interesting and fun for everyone involved, and that’s what it’s really about people. It’s about having good, clean, innocent fun at the expense of the police officer’s safety.
Hell, maybe we could even make a televised sport out of it. I don’t know about you, but I’d pay top dollar to watch some fat cop trying to hold his stupid little hat on his fat head flying down the highway with his cheeks flapping around like some twisted 1970′s wind tunnel experiment, which is a totally uninspired idea I came up with completely on my own.
FML….
With ideas like this, I should be doing less truck driving and more presidenting.
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Loshat Vakiashet
Okay, so I know I have been a slacker. It has been a better part of a year since I have written anything. Well, suck it. I have a 9 month old son and my husband is deployed to the Middle East. Therefore, I have been exhausted, tired, overly bitchy, hormonal, to top it off- sex deprived! (Maybe that latter is the reason for most of the former? And no, I no longer have the vagina of a mule- see below) Yet I digress… as for now- I’M BAAAAAACCCCK!
I now have a new respect and appreciation for mothers, who actually behave like mother’s and don’t smoke crack or abuse their children, everywhere. Having a baby is hellish. Not only do you end up with a body that looks like a road atlas, a horse vagina, and huge black circles under your eyes and puffy appendages, you become a hormonal lunatic who fantasizes about drowning yourself in the bathtub. Well, at least that was me.
I don’t think I will ever understand these freaks of nature that have pregnancy fetishes. Why in the FUCK would you want to have sex with a woman who is not your wife that has horrible gas, hemorrhoids, stretch marks, cankles, and serious hormonal mood swings? Oooh, how sexy…. Let me go down on you while you fart in my face. (Yes people, you do get gas when you are pregnant.)
The other thing, why do random people feel the need to give you unsolicited advice while you are pregnant? I am not just talking about the sweet old lady that is being guided across the street by the boy scouts. I am talking about men who have teenage children. One time, I was standing at my favorite Japanese Ramen establishment, and this man started talking to me about using the Ferber method for sleep training my baby. Dude, I am still trying to grasp the fact that this human being has to come out of my pussy. Then there is my favorite one of all time, ‘You really should have a natural birth.’ Oh really? How about fuck you? Are you going to give birth for me and have a human stretch our your insides and vagina? Oh, that isn’t possible? Well, having a natural birth isn’t intelligent…bitch.
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Topics: The Truth About Women | 2 Comments »
Shopping Cart Moonwalk
I used to think learning to Moon Walk was a wasted talent. Now I can see it’s potential to fuck with people.
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Funny Car Horn Prank
This dude’s girlfriend pulls off a great prank by wiring the car horn to this guys brake pedal.
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Walking Across America: Incredible Stop-Motion
Over 2700 pictures make up this stop motion clip of some dude walking from New York To San Francisco.
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Kid Lights His Nose on Fire and Cries
Idiot sticks a flame up his nose and then cries like a baby. Also he seems surprised that he’s permanently lost his sense of smell. Gee… who’d have thought.
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David Hasselhoff Next to Be Roasted on Comedy Central
Sunday, August 15th is the date for the next Comedy Central Roast, and this time, it’s The Hoff! I’m not really sure how Comedy Central goes about picking who they roast, but so far they’ve done a pretty good job of picking some prime targets, sans Flava Flav. Personally, I can’t wait, because I love the Comedy Central Roasts and can’t wait to hear all the lousy singing, gay shorts wearing, drunken hamburger eating jokes the same, mostly pretty funny, comedians bring to the table roast after roast.
I do, however, believe there won’t be many jokes cracked at Knight Rider cuz, cumon… IT’S FUCKING KNIGHT RIDER! Which The Hoff will back me up on in this hilarious Comedy Central TV spot for the roast:
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How To Trick People Into Thinking You’re Good Looking
Hot or not, this chick’s personality is a total win!
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Nastiest Drain Unclogging Ever
This guy moves into a new home and discovers the previous owners never took the time to clean the drain.
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Caught on Tape: Firework Blows Up In Baseball Crowd
Awesome camera work. There was a flaming projectile coming right at him and he never cut frame. Ya gotta admire that.
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Dude KO’s Himself Using Car Wash Hose
Judging by the way he was holding the thing, I’m guessing this isn’t the first time he’s taken a squirting wand to the face…
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